Lint a story of excitement and little bits of stuff you get in your pockets and belly button if you don�t clean!
My story is a long and moderately boring one involving a bucket of milk and the butter that it would be eventually churned into. I was walking down at the park with a millipede on my forehead. I could feel its agitated legs massaging my scalp with complete unintention. It was raining and the rain was falling from the clouds in the sky to the ground beneath my feet. A man wearing jeans and a red jacket was trying to fry sausages. He foolishly attempted this in oil on a conveniently positioned barbecue. The oil, because of the heat and the water was spat at him and therefore his red jacket -which I personally think would look a lot better on me than it did on him the damp and soggy day. As you may or may not know water and oil do not mix and then adding heat to this unmixable mix does not help and increases chances of spitage. The reason for this is unknown to me -but I have heard from vaguely unreliable sources that it is possible to combine them without spitting or burning. While walking I stopped to take a look at the seesaw, and a couple of water droplet dripped onto my face and I snuffed them off the way you would a fly. The seesaw was situated just behind the swings but before the sandpit �which at this point of time appeared to be more of a slush pit- and did not have many engravings on it because it was not made out of wood. It was until August 15th when it was replaced with plasticine. The plasticine did the same thing as the oil did when the water hit it. Except the oil is a liquid and the plasticine is not, and it was the water which jumped and flew away rather than the plasticine. I sat on the plasticine seesaw and it changed shape beneath me. It writhed into a mould of everything touching it. The man trying to cook sausages eventually ran off, he ran past me and on the way the millipede resting on me jumped off and did a back-flip onto the mans jumper. It reminded me of a James Bond movie I didn't see one day because I had to go to a restaurant that was selling plates piled high with prawn for half price. Unfortunately I didn't get to keep the plate but I did eat the prawns. The prawns were a pale pink colour and smelled a bit like prawns usually do. I then decided that sitting on a plasticine seesaw was the worst thing I could be doing at this hour for as the water didn�t stay on the seesaw for too long, that meant it would progress onto my pants and the clothing underneath. I stood up and the part of the seesaw I was sitting on slowly changed shape until it was the same as it was before I had sat on it. I wiped most of the water on my left pant leg onto the ground -which was covered in grass- by rubbing my right leg up and down along it. When I was doing this I noticed my shoe was dirty so I went to the bus stop in order to get on a bus that would take me to town so I could buy a new pair. I did not have a bus ticket so I danced on the spot �to the tune of �there once was a sailor called Jim�- for several hours trying to persuade the citizens of the town I was in at the time to give me the correct amount of currency to afford the ticket. When I got to the shops they were closed �I could tell this because there was a piece of cardboard with the English alphabet letters C, L, O, S, E and D on it, hung up by a piece of twine- so I smashed open the glass of the front door with a turtle casually strolling on the pavement alongside me. The turtle screamed for mercy.
"AAARRGGGHHH please stop, oh god have mercy on me! Why me!?!" it screamed. I ignored it, and put it into my pocket made of denim just like my jeans and jumped through the reasonably sized hole I had made. Small sharp pieces of glass cut me along in my ribs. I covered up the gashing holes with a piece of fabric originally from a set of bagpipes I kept in my pocket. The material turned a colour redder than it was previously, so I removed the bagpipe material and replaced it with a fish that had fallen from the sky that I had stored in my pants for later usage. The fish also turned red and made squirmy movements underneath my hands. I decided to take the fish away from my organs incase it lead to something worse such as diseases and long term pain. I put out my arms and a bucket of petroleum fell into my hands. I poured it onto my wounds and screamed in synchronization with the turtle. This particular turtle had decided to sit by the side of the street and purswade other people walking along the pavement to change their religion to Christian. I looked around at the array of lamps and nightshades �some of which were blue- and realized I was in the wrong shop. This was in fact a butcher �at the time of these occurrences there were veal cutlets available for a small price of seven dollars and ninety-five cents. I unlocked the door from the inside using a spare key I found underneath a metal detector. I then looked for a shop that sold Turkish delight. It was open, it was 11:59pm and the shop was open �I was surprised they hadn�t been attacked by cartographers by now. I took off my gold watch and traded it in for a small bucket of platypus hairs. The woman who exchanged the platypus hairs was doing a handstand so she passed me the goods with her feet. "Munsteu manta mreen," she mumbled from behind the counter. I looked at her name badge it said HVNNVH but it was upside down so it probably said HANNAH. I ripped the name badge from the woman�s chest. To my surprise when I turned the badge right way up it still said HVNNVH and I used the badge to scrape some paint off the walls. Underneath the first layer of paint was a secret message. It was supposed to be delivered to a man in Brawlei by means of strapping a letter to a newfoundland dog who would sniff down person it was supposed to be delivered to by the smell of a tissue he had sneezed on and was also underneath the first layer of paint. The message read: "buy me a punnet of strawberries and then we'll see, who knows more French!�
At this point HVNNVH suddenly fell over. I was afraid it would look like I was teaching her how to spell iridacious. I wasn't so I ran outside in hope of the police not finding me and taking me to gaol for illegal teaching-how-to-spell. The turtle had stopped screaming about god by the time I got outside. Inconveniently it had started shrieking.
"AAAAAAAAAAA!!" It shrieked. Many people would have thought that a shriek so high and shrill would be out of pain but those who had truly got to know him would have found that he was very strongly religious and would not have a second glance at pain at this stage of his life �I did not know him very well and so I thought his screams were out of pain-. I walked back to the park and sat on the barbecue (you may be wondering why I walked to the park when earlier I had to dance for long periods of time before I could afford a bus ticket. The simple explanation for this is that the thought of walking had not occurred to me at the time). The rain had stopped a while ago so the barbecue was fairly dry but very hot because it was switched on and the gas was flowing from the pipe and then burning assorted animal flesh and my denim pants. A baseball flew over a nearby lump of iron ore. I caught it with sheer blind luck I had trained for years to develop. The padding of the ball felt sloppy in my hand because it was still wet from the rain 14,586 seconds ago. �Are you insane?� asked the man attempting to cook the various meats on the barbecue during the time I was sitting on it �which made him seem very rude in my opinion. I dropped the baseball onto the floor and in what seemed like years it deteriorated in a pile of deteriorated fabric and other bits a baseball is made of. I bottled the sand and sold it for $6.60 the next Friday at an auction on Westleburn Terrace. While I was at Westleburn Terrace I traded that $6.60 in for a bottle of milk and a bouquet of roses. I at that point of time taking over the world with the roses seemed to be the best option. So I started with a bakery in India that only sold crates of porridge. I took a plane, which had a male driver, he looked about 36 and the number on his credit card was 12649341648. When I got to India I met a midget, who looked like she was about 16, had blonde hair and abnormally large eyes. She walked up to me offering to sell dolls vaguely resembling Hindu gods. When I told her about how I planned to take over the world using a bouquet of flowers she refused to not say no to me asking her not to come.
"I refuse to not say no to you asking me not to come," she said completely repeating what I had just told you, the reader.
"I wholeheartedly agree!" I replied with no idea of what she had just said.
When I finally understood what she had said I tried to stop her by standing in her way. She eventually managed to get past me by throwing doughnuts towards pigeons �the pigeons were going to eat them, but I just can�t see good doughnuts going to waste. We then caught a taxi to the closest gold mine and asked if anybody was strong enough to carry us to the bakery that only sold creates of porridge. It turned out that it was a shicer and was replaced by a llama farm �which mainly sold horses and moose. We bought a llama and it fell ill after twenty-five seconds of ownership. I accused the midget of buying too many pelicans to transport us to replace the llama and take us to our destination but she just sat there as salty water dripped from glands near her eyes. We sat in that spot for weeks, not because she was burdening me by having so many self-esteem issues but because I broke a vase that I had borrowed from a monk. I was pending to meet with his so-called �nalami� to get a replacement made which will be so good it can supposedly trick the gods. But yet again, that is another story altogether. I fed the midget woman butter on Tuesdays �which I had churned myself using a butter churn with a genu in it so it was quite awkward. But then came one day when I passed the regular tree with a walrus carved into it, but something was different today and I realized something very deep and very symbolic. I had to get away from this place and the broken vase and the nalami and the mosquitoes that make large boils on your arms if you touch them. The carving in the tree was carved into the tree trunk with a tool most likely being a knife, a dagger, and a high-heeled shoe with a blade for a heel or a large chunk of metal taken from a construction site without permission. But I had seen that all before. I stumbled across the tree by accident the first time I saw it. I was looking for mushrooms with blue tripetalous flowers painted onto them. I had hidden the mushrooms myself the day prior so I would have something to on the day. But as I look back on it now I see it was a waste of time because I found them after twelve seconds of looking and then out of the blue, I was hit by a bolt from the blue. Sky that is. My hair turned black and stood upon ends, I received minimal damage but got many black smudges on my clothing and in a short period of time after the occurrence I spoke in an oddly highly pitched voice. The midget woman �now referring to herself as Irasahnah (because she claimed to be a high priestess of Europe)- comforted me with a soothing low toned voice and reassured me of times when things are worse that are not now. It was at this moment when a bald man ran past me screaming in tongues, carrying some sort of sharp metallic object. I threw a fish at him in attempts to slow his screaming but instead it just hindered his shouting. The bald man used the sharp unidentifiable object to carve a walrus into the tree, and he turned around. He was unmistakably my grade eight Spanish teacher. The tree waved in the wind and the whole forest turned dark because of looming clouds overhead, a tiny squirrel ran for shelter from what it thought was a badly constructed play. The fish flopped on the dirt for a short time before the bald Spanish teacher picked it up and ran off through a bunch of willow trees. But the real reason I decided to leave was not because of the tree but of what was actually carved into it, there were tiny words used to make up the carving of the walrus. When I leaned close I could just make out the words, �stop taking over the world and become a photographer�. I knew what I must do. But before I started my lifelong ambition of taking photos in a way that may make some people cry and make others feel proud or stirred I had to pollute a river that was nearby, in commemoration of my previous adventure, I threw a bucket of petroleum into the river. The midget and I sighed with relief as the fish and eels died of suffocation. We must have walked for at least 3 days and my toenails were starting to grow very long so a I built myself a toenail clipper out of bamboo and some lead I found on the floor next to a dead human female midget who was calling herself Irasahnah. My eyes widened in fear when I realized that the toenail clippers smelt like caviar. Caviar is my least favorite food and is made from fish eggs �which must have been laid in the bamboo. I asked the midget to dispose of the toenail clippers at once; she must�ve run away because I never saw her again �well not for at least 4 months. I walked for about five minutes in a direction I hoped lead to a photography studio only to find a river filled with crocodiles. The crocodiles were green. The green was dark. The darkness reminded me of nighttime. It soon it was nighttime, and I had spent all day staring at the crocodiles, because each thing I thought of reminded me of something else. When it got lighter again and a bridge was built did I continue on my journey. The birds and the bees were doing mating rituals in a circle of purple sand. I continued walking without a second thought but once I had passed a blonde man with a shortly trimmed beard quickly tiptoed along just far enough behind me I neither knew that he was there or that he was following me. I then walked upon a field mostly containing sheep and cows wearing green beanies �some of the beanies had words on them like �go Penelopes� and �Penelopes rule�. One of the sheep walked up to a gazebo in a neighboring field and I followed it out of suspicion. There were buckets and buckets of maggots in the gazebo. I poured the maggots onto the floor and they became what looked like, a pile of lint. I fingered the maggots and my hands became briefly white, and the wrinkles on my fingers stood out more and appeared blacker. An aged male librarian with neatly trimmed gray hair and moustache turned up at the ends approached me. He was dressed as if everything he wore -a flowered shirt, striped tie, tweed coat, and plaid slacks-had all come from a garage sale, many various shops in various locations or many various garage sales in various locations. What strikes me mostly as unusual was how the crease in his trousers were sharp and his shoes were shined so clean that I could see his forehead in them like I was looking at them directly. But his forehead was so shiny that I could see my eyes in them, so when I looked into his shoes I saw his forehead inside which I saw his eyes, inside which I saw the man, inside which I saw hatred. I ran in fear, screaming like a baker with a recent history of receiving large rocks in cardboard boxes in the mail. As I ran I must've missed him say "Well, young lady, have you been good to your mother?" I stopped running when I reached the nearest pet shop, it was a month later and I had almost been eaten by an antelope, a butterfly, a camel, a deer, an elephant, a fish, a goat, a horse, an iguana, a jackal, a kangaroo, a llama, a moose, an octopus, a pine nut, a quail, a rat, a snake, a turtle, an unicorn, a vicuna, a whale, a xylophone, a yak and, a zebra.
-Remind me later to tell you the story about the pine nut and the xylophone, it is very fascinating-. I had reached the pet store and was there only five minutes before a man carrying a myograph walked up to me and started measuring my muscular contractions and relaxations. I was watching the iguanas relax in the sun with their green beanies at the time. I realized how racist he was being and hit him over the head with a wheelbarrow on sale for only fourteen dollars �23% off. The owner of the shop came up to me, his hair was orange and his vest was lime. He wore the costume of a bertlett over his regular clothes.
"That was my wheelbarrow you hit that man over the head with!!" he shouted at me.
"I know. It was very strong!" I replied loudly because obviously the man liked shouting and wanted more of it in his terribly located pet shop �It was in Horalia for gods sake and if you don�t know where that is then you are just proving my point further.
"Why thank you young man with two canthuses. I would like to offer you a job," I rolled up my sleeves and coughed loudly to get the attention from everyone around me.
"I am an ocker!!" I shouted. "Ohsmida erlerldem ah ornsti pes Thai?" which correctly translated from Peruvian is "How can this be? You are in Peru!" I tucked down and rolled my way inside the shop and helped a woman who was sorting the money behind the counter in order of crispness. The ultra violet lights turned on and everything white, turned ultra violet! Other than that things seemed a bit dull with a hint of purple.
"HELP MEEE!!" I screamed. I had no idea how to sell the objects I was attempting to sell. All of a sudden everything went dark and I was finding it hard to see things.
"Ssshh..." said a female voice of a human, "if you want to see me and the baby otter you had when you were eight again you will have to follow me into a secret room of magic and tarantulas.� I stumbled across various white objects on the floor, a lamp, a caterpillar plush toy, a novelty hot dog key ring and a pile of doughnuts painted white for no obvious reason. I felt a white tabletop I was passing only to find a pile of white hastage leaves �which appeared to be very aciduric. For some reason this shop had many white things and not much else so the ultra violet light did a lot more than one would assume.
�I will see to it that you get educated my wise yet uneducated brother whom I have not seen in thirty-four years on account of I was dead for that time but was brought back by monks with a sole purpose of bringing be back to life so I educate my completely uneducated brother,� the female voice said.
I opened my eyes and saw that it was my sister who was brought back from the dead with a sole purpose of educating me because I am uneducated.
�Well last time I ate too much charcoal� I said suavely, but now when I look back on it, it doesn�t make much sense and it makes me seem a bit like a doof�