Crazy Island Man

(Sorry but it looks like something has happened which turned my quotation marks into question marks. You'll have to imagine them being there.)�

�Um� What?�
I ask as I find myself lying on a sandy shore. I look around looking for a reason as to why I am lying on a beach. There is nothing but coconuts scattered around me randomly. I jump to the conclusion I am on a deserted island. I get up and walk back and forth along the beach, concerned and confused. I do this for a while and then decide to head inside the forest. As I do, I realize I am not wearing any shoes, but on my head I am wearing a sombrero. I notice I am not wearing any shoes because the floor is suddenly covered in pinecones. They hurt when I step on them so I do my best to step around them. I kick one up ahead of me, out of my range of sight. A hissing sound shortly follows.
�Holy-!�
I shout, almost swearing out loud. I quickly duck out of view of whatever was making that hissing sound. Whatever or� whoever.
�Great,� I say sarcastically,
�Stuck on an island with snakes, and a sombrero to defend myself with. Why the hell do I even have a sombrero? I don�t even own a sombrero!!�
I figure that the hissing probably wasn�t a snake and step out from behind the tree I was hiding behind. I walk forwards and peer through the trees to where I thought the hissing was. I get closer and closer with each step I get more and more scared until I reach the point of shaking. Then I see what made the hissing sound.
�Not e to self: you�re an idiot!�
I say, seeing the blow up mattress right in front of me, now with a pinecone puncture. It is completely deflated and the top of it is all fluffy. I have one just like it at home! What sort of a crazy island is this?! I pick up the mattress and drop it instantly because it is much heavier than first expected. I pick it up and drag it to the beach where I found myself first stranded. I notice something I hadn�t seen before on the beach. Or maybe it wasn�t there before�
�Hey! Lookie!�
I see a message in a little glass bottle. It must have been washed up by the waves while I was off being scared witless by a mattress. I walk towards the bottle and instantly notice the change in the floor again. There is a cork stuck in the top. I struggle to remove the cork but clearly the air pressure in the bottle is not going to let me have it. It doesn�t budge whatsoever. A glint of light reflected in the glass flashes in my eyes and I drop the bottle onto the floor. It doesn�t break because the sand cushioned its fall.
My mind flashes back to a year 10 English class. We were reading a book called Lord of the Flies.
�Oh god I hate that book!�
The circumstances I am in seem eerily similar except for the spontaneous useless objects all over the place. The fat kid with the �ass-mar� had glasses, which they used to light a fire. I�ll have to start making a fire to attract passing ship�s attention.
�First I will be needing either matches or glass, and considering the ridiculousness of this island I am not taking matches out of the picture.�
I start frantically looking around for glass and/or matches and then look down at the glass bottle embarrassed. I pick up the bottle and hurl it at the closest tree. I miss and it shatters in a million pieces on the floor.
�Fudge!�
Now I won�t be able to use the to light a fire. That�s okay though. I can survive without being rescued.
�as long as I can live the night,�
I make a list of things that could cause immediate death. Animal killings, starvation�
�oh� food� I hadn�t thought of that,�
I throw a coconut at a tree and hit, unfortunately I am worse at throwing than expected and the coconut ricochets off the tree, right back at me. I am knocked unconscious. I will not describe this to you because it would involve a lot of nothing happening but I can tell you that this is the first time anything even vaguely like this has ever happened to me before. And then when I wake up I find myself in a mental hospital. Turns out it wasn�t just the island which was crazy.